For the Better.

If we are the same person before and after we love, that means we haven’t loved enough.
— Elif Shafak

I often hear the concern of so many, that a confident and independent person should never let a another, whether it be a friend or a significant other, change them; that we shouldn't become different for the sake of another, because if changing ourselves is the requirement for love, then the love that we are seeking, or who is seeking us, is not the love which is meant for us. I grew up with this mantra, this assertion so confident in its entirety. I was adamant (as adamant as a young, and still so naive, 16 year old could be) that if I found myself spending time with a person around whom I felt my ideals, values, vibe, personality, outlook, or look begin to change, I should cut myself off immediately, because so often I was told, both my friends and by the general society that if a person begins to light the flame of change in my life, that I should abort mission.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Perhaps this is the reason so many of my friendships drifted, and why the few potential loves I secretly pursued faded away. I remember being so afraid of change, so nervous that someone would stroll into my life and disrupt the steady routine I made for myself. It gave me anxiety to even think to let down the drawbridge into my thoughts, my feelings that were (and sometimes are still) so impressionable. Although I knew this, I still persisted in chasing after friendships and dreaming of the perfect boy, and as I got older, the perfect man. Never once did I stop to wonder if I had to first become a version of myself that was braver, braver to accept the possibility of change. The possibility of being let down.

I knew that as soon as I felt myself beginning to change, to think about difference things, to change my plans for one person, that I would be ice-skating on a slippery slope. I suppose that the stigma that comes with changing yourself for someone else is so widely exaggerated. I don't believe that anyone should become fake, or dispose of their dreams, aspirations, core values and beliefs, but I do think that if you are truly loving with your whole heart and diving in to that love, that you will change, and for the better. It will be slow, perhaps not steady, but it will be noticeable. You might learn that some friends you once thought were life-timers, are more the short-timer type, and you might discover that some of your plans are not as concrete as you once meant for them to be. You might begin to think about some things differently. You might be more eager and less attentive to change. I know that I've changed, and I continue changing every day, every season. 

 

Aysia NorrisComment